Uninvited prayer

Lord, You are teaching me so much about trusting You. Fully. Completely. Without suggestions or projections. I'm choosing to embrace the very next thing You show me. I'll take this first step. And then I'll take the next. 

I finally understand that I don't have to fully understand each thing that happens for me to trust You. I don't have to try and figure it out, control it, or even like it, for that matter. In the midst of uncertainties, I will just stand and say, "I trust You, Lord." 

I visualize me taking my fear of rejection from my incapable clutched and placing my trust in Your full capability. And as I do, I make this all less about me and more about you. I replace my fragile efforts to control with Your fortified realities. 

You are the perfect match for my every need. 

I am weak. You are strength. 

I am unable. You are capability. 

I am hesitant. You are assurance. 

I am desperate. You are fulfillment.

I am confused. You are confidence. 

I am tired. You are rejuvenation. 

Though the long path is uncertain, You are so faithful to shed just enough light for me to see the very next step. I now understand this isn't You being mysterious. This is a great demonstration of Your mercy. 

Too much revelation and I'd pridefully run ahead of You. Too little and I'd be paralyzed with fear. 

So, I'm seeking slivers of light in Your Truth just for today and filling the gaps of my unknown with trust. 

From the Uninvited book

Choosing Faith Not Fear

I am choosing to let go of fear and move forward. I have to. For my sanity. My mind is not the enemy's playground. A war has been waged for my mind. The lies have roared so loud that it often drowns out Truth. But God wants me to choose Truth. His Truth. He's speaking to me. And when the barking voice of the devil calls out to me, the mighty Lion of Judah is here and far more powerful than what the enemy has been throwing at me.

You don't have to accept bondage or abuse. You can know Truth and be set free by that Truth.

Bondage of the heart and mind is a scary place to be. When someone rips away everything you know about yourself and fills you with lies and fear and does evil things to you, it's an awful place to be. And you may think you have to accept it because it's the only words that have filled your mind for months and years. But IT'S NOT TRUE.

You need to know THERE IS FREEDOM IN CHRIST. He didn't die so we could live in bondage to lies. God wants to set you free and give you life. ABUNDANT LIFE!!! That no one can strip from you.

Let's decrapify!

It's been awhile since I blogged. Sometimes life's circumstances require silence. Sometimes you feel the need to crawl in a hole, bandage your heart and just sit with God.

He sees.
He heals.
He knows.

Even writers struggle to put words to some things. At least words that can be posted to a blog. I still don't have all of the words to explain the past 197 days. My life has turned upside down. Brain fog seems to be my constant companion. "Good" days have been few and far between. And feeling normal seems to be a thing of the past.

Embracing a new normal
Having grace with myself
Being patient in the process

And now I am beginning to write again. To process and learn and grow. I have been encouraged by many people to journal during this season. To write out the questions that I have. To jot down what I am thankful for. Putting pen to paper just has a calming effect. The click clack of a keyboard can be rather rhythmic.

There is a time for silence. But there is also time for words. Words to bless. Words to encourage. Words to heal.

So here we are on Fat Tuesday. The day before Lent starts. Many people associate Lent with fasting. Perhaps fasting from certain foods or drinks, or even for certain time periods. Fasting from social media is also popular. I suppose for many, the goal is to abstain from something and then focus more on God. I love the idea of an intentional focus for 40 days. After all, that's not a long time. And the benefits can be huge.

This year, I have decided to join a challenge for a different kind of Lent. It's called 40 Bags in 40 Days Decluttering Challenge and it's hosted by White House Black Shutters. It's about "decrapifying" your life. Decluttering one area at a time. It could be one area of your house, but they also suggest working on "non-stuff" too, like clearing out your email, organizing your photos and sorting files into folders. With my house on the market, there is a lot of decrapifying and clearing out that needs to happen. It's time to simplify and reduce stuff. I've already dealt with a lot of the big furniture, but now it's time to go through the stuff that seems to be EVERYWHERE. And in addition to decluttering my house, it's also time to declutter my heart.

I came across this graphic on Facebook today about fasting during Lent. And I love it. It's time. Decluttering my heart is about not listening to the lies but focusing in on God's Truth. It's about looking forward through the windshield of life instead of obsessing about what is in the rearview mirror. And it's about choosing to be thankful even when life feels unsteady. I can't ignore or diminish what has happened, but I can choose to grow from this. I can choose to forgive, to let go of what I can't change and to look to God for His peace and presence.

So consider joining me for this 40 day challenge to decrapify and simplify life. It's going to be a good challenge with lots of fun photos and probably some tears along the way. But in the end, whether you get to 4 bags or 40 bags, you'll feel better about your space. It really works.

New Life

I got a hanging plant for Mother's Day from my step kids and their bio mom. It was so sweet of her to think of me. But then I neglected the plant. I've always had a black thumb but when you forget you own a plant and thus, never water it, of course it will die. A couple months ago, I remember looking at the plant and see all the dead stems and no green left and I knew I'd killed it. As much as I wanted to keep it alive and flourishing because it was such a sweet gift, I killed the plant. But I left it sitting there because I didn't feel like getting rid of it just yet. Maybe it was laziness. Maybe I just didn't want to throw it away quite yet. 

And then today, I glanced down at the plant on my way outside, expecting to see the pathetic dead mess. But wait! There are flowers! There are green stems growing!! From the dead plant, new life has come. From the dried up, withered stems, new flowers have grown! 

So too in our lives. There are times when we neglect our walk with God and we begin to dry up. We look withered and dead and worthy only for the burn pile. But God steps in. He waters us with His grace and love. He gently prunes away the deadness and brings new life to our souls. 

I've been through a season of dryness. Of feeling withered, broken and dying. But God is not done with me. He is pruning away the rubbish. He is getting rid of what is dead so that He can breathe new life into me. He is turning my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. I am withered but He is my Strength. I am broken but He is my Healer. There is hope. He is not done with me. 

“I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” Psalm 27:13

“being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

Calling

Today I'm reflecting on calling. My primary calling is related to my identity in Jesus Christ. Am I rightly related to the Lord? Is every interaction I have something that pleases Him? The evil one spends so much time accusing God's precious children...do I spend my time connected with His righteousness and His character enough that the accuser has nothing to say about me? My calling is first about being, not doing. It's about who I am in Christ, not what I am doing for Christ. I serve an Audience of One. The outpouring of ministry comes from the inpouring of Holy Spirit. I am called to seek His face continually and in every interaction I have and to obey Him in everything (Psalm 115:1; 1 Cor. 10:31; 2 Cor. 2:14-15).

As calling relates to a specific vocation, let me offer a picture that helps me. Not long ago, I was sitting on the shore of Long Lake in Eagle River, WI and I peered down into the water. I could see the bottom! It was so clear and clean! I thought of other lakes and rivers that I've been to where you can't see the bottom even where the water is just a few inches deep. You might see muck or seaweed but who knows what's really down there. But Long Lake is so clear - you know exactly what is in the lake and what your feet are touching when you wade out there. People are like that. Some lives you peer into and all you see are murky waters. You might catch of glimpse of something from time to time if the water settles at all but at the slightest touch the murky-ness is back. There is so much junk in their life or they are trying so hard to hide themselves in the stuff of life. 

Then there are people like Long Lake - you see right through them, right to the heart of who they are. You don't have to wonder what they are made of because you can see if for yourself. They are refreshing to be around and you can't help but want to drink in what they are about. I want to be that kind of person - a Long Lake person. I long to be transparent. For others to see my life and know exactly what I am about and what God is doing in me. I long for realness and vulnerability. At times in life, a speed boat rushes by and waves roll in. The waters are disrupted but guess what? If you are a Long Lake person, you could still see through the waters. Of course, you could take a stick and stir up the sand at the bottom and some murky-ness would occur. We all have junk in our lives. But God is in the business of redeeming our junk and wants to use us to minister to others. Broken people reaching broken people...(Matt. 28:18-20; Micah 6:8).

And that is my heartbeat for other women and kids...to pour into their lives out of what God has done and is doing in me. Because of Christ's love for me, I am compelled by love for others - to come alongside them, point them to Truth in Scripture, to encourage them (1 Thess 5:11), and pray for them. My heart beats wildly when I see someone "get it" - when the light of spiritual truth goes on - or when I am involved, directly or indirectly, in equipping them for life and ministry (2 Tim 2:2). Perhaps it could all be boiled down to discipleship, equipping, and encouragement. I long to invest in the lives of women and kids - to dive deep into life on life ministry.

Where will this passion take me? To a college campus? To the mission field? To a church or camp? To something else yet to be discovered? Perhaps all of these. I don't know. But I do know the One who holds my future and I trust Him to guide my steps (Prov. 3:5-6 & 16:9).

Look Closely And See

A land with deep scars - some visible...some not.
A people with deep hurts - some visible...some not.
A land of beauty and pain.
A people of hope and love.

The landscape is dotted with broken homes
A glimpse of the broken lives within

A boy searches through the town dump
Desperately seeking a "treasure"
Anything that will buy him a chunk of bread
Or a few tortillas

A young girl, with big brown eyes
Grinding corn to make tortillas
A family's only source of income
Never enough

Hope. Peace. Love. Contentement.
Flowing from the people
Even in the midst of great poverty
Even when devastation ravaged their country
Even when a few tortillas and a can of beans is all they have to eat

Look closely and see
The "woman" on the corner is just a girl
Forced to sell her body to hungry men
So her family can eat
Her dark brown eyes will haunt your days and your nights

Look closely and see
Hollow eyes filled with desperation and longing
A longing to be free
A longing to know she's loved for more than her body
Desperate to know that the chains that bind her
Can be broken

Don't close your eyes
Don't just walk on by

How can she call on the one she hasn't believed in?
How can she believe if she hasn't heard?
How will she hear without someone preaching to her?
Who will be sent to preach?
How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!

At times, often times, comfort must be forsaken
The known left behind
To walk with someone in their hurt
In their mess
To hold a hand
Meet a need
To share love, His love

Slow down
Open your eyes
Be moved
LOVE

Cutting edge

How will you maintain a cutting edge in your life?

God created me with a destiny in mind. In choosing to fulfill the destiny He has for me, it is essential that I take time to be sharpened, by God and by others (Prov. 27:17). Three areas came to mind where I need to be sharpened by God: I need daily time with Jesus, to study His Word, not just to prepare a study or to teach a class but for personal meditation & growth. Cultivating a prayer life that consumes me must be a top priority. And Scripture memorization must be a regular part of my life – hiding God’s Word in my heart that I might not sin against God (Psalm 119:11).

It’s also important to be sharpened by others. Again, three ideas came to mind as I prayed about this. First, I believe it’s important to maintain a mentoring relationship that allows for genuine accountability. I need to be held accountable in the areas listed above, in my leadership, and in life. It’s vital to find people who will challenge me and spur me on. A second sharpening I see is in reading books/listening to cds related to my calling. This opens the door for learning from others who are on a similar journey. And a third area of sharpening is through determining my God-given priorities/goals each year and then reviewing them on a monthly/quarterly basis. Those who hold me accountable should know these priorities as well. Throughout the year, these priorities should be the basis of my commitments and I must be willing to say “no” to even the good things that come my way, in order to receive that best things that God has in store for me.

The outpouring of ministry comes from the inpouring of Holy Spirit. So I must make spending time in His presence a priority. When I don’t, I get tired, worn down, and open to all sorts of influences. I must set my heart and mind on things above! (Colossians 3:1-2)

Be still

Be still my runaway heart…

Be still my desire to fix things…

Be still my anxious thoughts…

Be still and know without a doubt, God is.

God is the answer.

God is the solution.

God is the desire met.

God is what I am looking for.

God is what I need.

God is God.

Be still and know.

- Lysa TerKeurst

Tears

Tears flow unchecked

From large brown eyes

Heavy with pain

Clouded with sorrow

That never seems to lift

Until the door opens

Then tears are wiped away

A smile pasted on

Hiding the depths of hurt

Confusion and despair 

All is well

Life is good

Until the door closes

Jesus is here

Jesus has been present at every minute of your life. From moments of bellyaching laughter to nights filled with bitter tears of grief. He was there in the moments of your deepest shame. He knew all of it before He went to the cross and carried the weight of your sin. And He chose the cross and took on your sin with joy. If we really embrace this truth, what does this mean for challenges we face in life?

God is good. All the time.

God is good. Even when I don't understand, even when I'm hurting or disappointed or afraid. Even though I don't understand, I will trust that He is good.

Questions from Jesus

I don't know the source but I saw these questions and thought they were helpful to consider....

If you never felt pain, then how would you know that I am a healer?

If you never had to pray, how would you know that I am a deliverer? 

If you never had a trial, how could you call yourself an overcomer? 

If you never felt sadness, how would you know that I am a comforter? 

If you never made a mistake, how would you know that I am a forgiver? 

If you never were broken, then how would you know that I can make you whole?

If you never had any suffering, then how would you know what I went through? 

If you never went through the fire, then how would you become pure?

If I never corrected you, how would you know that I love you? 

If you had all power, Then how would you learn to depend on me?    

If your life was perfect, then what would you need me for?

Love, 
Jesus

Chorus of Grace

I was...but now...

This is the chorus of grace. 

I was a dirty mess but now I'm clean in Him.

I was a jerk but now I'm kind because of Him. 

I was selfish but now I'm focused on others. 

I was a liar but now His Truth is on my lips. 

What is the rhythm of your story? Praise Jesus for every note.

New

It's a new year. Time for people to set resolutions that will be broken within the month. I guess that sounds cynical, doesn't it? But it's true. Just because the year has changed doesn't mean we will. I was listening to the local Christian radio station and they were saying that 92% of resolutions will be broken. Wow. That doesn't leave much hope for change. 

I didn't set any resolutions this year. I have goals but they aren't tied to the new year. I even started some of them last year. Like working out. I joined a gym in mid December and started meeting with a trainer. I also started coloring. It's relaxing and gives me a chance to take deep breaths and calm my anxious heart. 

Anyhow. I'm rambling. This post really doesn't have a point. Oops. 

For His Name's Sake

Sorrow. Trials. Tribulations. 

Tears. Pain. Heartache. 

Open wounds make us vulnerable. 

"I am here" - He has promised.

Strength for today. Hope for tomorrow. 

Peace. Joy. Comfort. 

Power in His name.

He will carry us through it all.

Never leaving. Never forsaking. 

Coming to the other side

Stronger in faith, empowered to share

What Christ has done

Who Jesus is. 

Dancing with eternity

Lately I've been thinking a lot about eternity. How there's more than just this life. That what we do now affects our eternity. Once upon a time, a mentor posed the question to me, "How are you dancing with eternity?" And I wrote some reflections on how eternity is and should be affecting how I live my life. Although I wrote this a couple years ago, I thought it was worth sharing now because even though I'm not wrestling so much with my salvation, I daily wrestle with the lies of the devil trying to bring me down and convince me that I'm less than who Jesus says I am....

Eternity has been at the forefront of my mind for awhile now as I have been diving into a Bible study on this very topic. I figured this assignment from my mentor would be a breeze. But that was before I really started thinking about it. The more I’ve jumped into this study on eternity, the greater my struggle has become. I have questioned my salvation, wondering if I will be shocked on the Judgment Day. I have cried out to God, asking, “Where are You?” and feeling utterly alone. And so I have danced with eternity, one day thrilled at the prospect of being with Jesus, another day, feeling the terror of wondering if I am even saved. Will Jesus look on me with sadness and disappointment on the Judgment Day or will He throw wide His arms and proclaim, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”?

The spirits of deceit, discouragement, and pride fill my head with lies saying, “You aren’t worthy,” “You screwed up too big this time,” “You can’t ask for help, people will look down on you.” NO! These are lies from the pit of hell. I am a child of God. I am forgiven and loved. I was chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and without blame in His sight (Eph. 1:4). I have been redeemed and forgiven and I am a recipient of His lavish grace (Col. 1:14). I am God’s workmanship – His handiwork, His masterpiece – born anew in Christ to do His work (Eph. 2:10). I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God in Christ, and I have been given the Holy Spirit as a pledge guaranteeing my inheritance to come (2 Cor. 1:21-22; Eph. 1:13-14). I am blameless and free from accusation (Col. 1:22). I have been saved and set apart according to God’s doing (2 Tim. 1:9; Titus 3:5). Just like Peter, I am not in need of a bath because I am clean in Christ, but there are parts of me that need to be washed, to be renewed and made clean by the blood of Christ (John 13:1-17). I am born of God so the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18). 

And so I’ve been praying for freedom, persistently praying in the name of Jesus that the power of deceit, discouragement, and pride would be broken and banished from my life. And in the void that remains, my prayer is that the Holy Spirit will fill me with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). “Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Cor. 15:57). 

I recently watched Lord of the Rings 3 – The Return of the King and I cried for about the last 20 minutes, much to the dismay of the friend I was with. :-) After all the struggle and pain and fear that Frodo had experienced, he couldn’t go on, the burden was too much and he collapsed. Sam picked him up, saying, “I can’t carry your burden, but I can carry you.” The tears flowed as I asked the Lord to carry me because I can’t do this on my own. When the ring went in the fire and the tower with the eye began to fall, I wept as I asked God to knock down the towers and strongholds in my life, to free me from those bonds, and to not let satan have the victory in my life. And as Frodo wrote the last of his story and prepared to board the ship, I wondered if my season of effectiveness was over. But even as that notion entered my head, I begged God to not give up on me, to not let me go but to empower me to press on in victory. 

So when it comes to living in light of eternity, I could talk about not being idle but being purposeful in my use of time. I could stress the need to be conscious of word, deed, thought, and intention because we will be judged in each of those areas. I could talk about living with passion and joy, less complaining and more encouraging, less worry and more prayer. But those are mere words unless I first make it my highest priority to know Christ and to lay aside anything that distracts me from that goal and from accomplishing the call of God on my life. Because my hope is in Christ, I can let go of past guilt and eagerly anticipate what God is creating me to be. When I realize that I am forgiven, I can move forward in faith and obedience. I can trust God to work in me, to grow me from what I am to what I should be. Let me close with the words of Paul in Philippians 3:7-16 which so vividly describe where I am seeking to live: 

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I am gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ – the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.”

Life is messy.

Chaos. Mess. Uncertainty. 

Those words seem to reverberate through the halls of my life right now. Work has new demands that make my head spin. Keeping a big house clean just isn't happening. Organizing the chaos that is the crap I own....well let's just pretend the stuff doesn't exist. :) Being married, wanting to spend tons of quality time with my man while balancing opposite work schedules. Volunteering at church with the kids. Being a stepmom. 

There's probably more I could add but I feel my tension rising just typing that much. And now I'm sick. Not surprised. 

Too much stress + not sleeping well = not feeling good. 

And then there's my spiritual journey which has suffered much neglect lately. I'm so tired by the evening that reading just hasn't been happening. But the life giving Word is just what I need right now, isn't it? 

All I've posted lately are some prayers that get emailed to me. But I've felt challenged lately to write more. So out came my journal. And online I go to blog. 

Seasons of busyness are the times when I most need to write and read the Word. 

Here goes....

We all have issues

All God’s girls have issues. Every single one of us.
But we can make the choice to identify our shortcomings and instead of using them against ourselves, hand them over to Jesus and let Him chisel our rough places.
The grace-filled way Jesus chisels is so vastly different than the way I mentally beat myself up.
My mental scripts are too often full of exaggerated lies that leave me feeling defeated. His chiseling is full of truth that sets me free.

Unsettle Me

These words were written by Lysa TerKeurst but could've been taken straight from my journal....

Unsettle me. These are the two words rattling about in my brain today. I almost wish it were a more glamorous prayer. Surely more eloquent words could be found for what I’m feeling led to pursue during this New Year. But these are the words, this is the prayer.

The funny thing is, I’ve spent my whole existence trying to find a place to settle down, people to settle down with, and a spirit about me worthy of all this settled down-ness. All of this is good. A contented heart, thankful for its blessings, is a good way to settle.

But there are areas of my life that have also settled that mock my desires to be a godly woman — compromises, if you will. Attitudes that I’ve wrapped in the lie, “Well, that’s just how I am. And if that’s all the bad that’s in me, I’m doing pretty good.”

I dare you, dear soul of mine, to notice the stark evidence of a spirit that is tainted and a heart that must be placed under the microscope of God’s Word. Yes, indeed, unsettle me, Lord.

Unearth that remnant of justification. Shake loose that pull toward compromise. Reveal that broken shard of secrecy. Expose that tendency to give up. Unsettle me in the best kind of way. For when I allow Your touch to reach the deepest parts of me — dark and dingy and hidden away too long — suddenly, a fresh wind of life twists and twirls and dances through my soul.

I can delight in hope that this is my year to change. I can discover reasons to appreciate my body and find softer ways for my thoughts to land. I can recognize the beauty of discipline and crave the intimacy with God it unleashes. I can rest assured though the journey will be hard, I will be held.

Goodbye to my remnants, my justification, shards, and tendencies. This is not who I am — nor who I was created to be.

Goodbye to shallow efforts, self-focus, and suspicious fears that I’ll never find victory in this area of my life. I am an unsettled woman who no longer wishes to take part in distractions or destructions.

Welcome deeper love for God and the realization I am made for more than this constant battle. Welcome my unsettled heart. 

Sin deflecter

Have you ever noticed this?

You become aware of a sin in your life and it grieves you. And suddenly you are hyper aware of that sin in other people too. I think it's a deflection tool. Rather than addressing your own sin, it becomes easier to focus on the other person, get aggravated and wonder when they are going to deal with their issues. 

Oh my. Can we say hypocritical?!?!

No wonder Jesus said,

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Matthew 7:1-5