Let's decrapify!

It's been awhile since I blogged. Sometimes life's circumstances require silence. Sometimes you feel the need to crawl in a hole, bandage your heart and just sit with God.

He sees.
He heals.
He knows.

Even writers struggle to put words to some things. At least words that can be posted to a blog. I still don't have all of the words to explain the past 197 days. My life has turned upside down. Brain fog seems to be my constant companion. "Good" days have been few and far between. And feeling normal seems to be a thing of the past.

Embracing a new normal
Having grace with myself
Being patient in the process

And now I am beginning to write again. To process and learn and grow. I have been encouraged by many people to journal during this season. To write out the questions that I have. To jot down what I am thankful for. Putting pen to paper just has a calming effect. The click clack of a keyboard can be rather rhythmic.

There is a time for silence. But there is also time for words. Words to bless. Words to encourage. Words to heal.

So here we are on Fat Tuesday. The day before Lent starts. Many people associate Lent with fasting. Perhaps fasting from certain foods or drinks, or even for certain time periods. Fasting from social media is also popular. I suppose for many, the goal is to abstain from something and then focus more on God. I love the idea of an intentional focus for 40 days. After all, that's not a long time. And the benefits can be huge.

This year, I have decided to join a challenge for a different kind of Lent. It's called 40 Bags in 40 Days Decluttering Challenge and it's hosted by White House Black Shutters. It's about "decrapifying" your life. Decluttering one area at a time. It could be one area of your house, but they also suggest working on "non-stuff" too, like clearing out your email, organizing your photos and sorting files into folders. With my house on the market, there is a lot of decrapifying and clearing out that needs to happen. It's time to simplify and reduce stuff. I've already dealt with a lot of the big furniture, but now it's time to go through the stuff that seems to be EVERYWHERE. And in addition to decluttering my house, it's also time to declutter my heart.

I came across this graphic on Facebook today about fasting during Lent. And I love it. It's time. Decluttering my heart is about not listening to the lies but focusing in on God's Truth. It's about looking forward through the windshield of life instead of obsessing about what is in the rearview mirror. And it's about choosing to be thankful even when life feels unsteady. I can't ignore or diminish what has happened, but I can choose to grow from this. I can choose to forgive, to let go of what I can't change and to look to God for His peace and presence.

So consider joining me for this 40 day challenge to decrapify and simplify life. It's going to be a good challenge with lots of fun photos and probably some tears along the way. But in the end, whether you get to 4 bags or 40 bags, you'll feel better about your space. It really works.

Not the destiny of my future

Lately I've been reading Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely. That book title could be the title of my current season because that is how I feel. Every. Single. Day. Rejected. Alone. Unloved. And yet. God has chosen me. He promised to never leave me alone. He loves me with a love that I can't even begin to comprehend. And I came across a quote and then prayer toward the end of the book that could've been ripped from the pages of my journal because it just so clearly expresses the cry of my heart these days. I hope you read it, take a deep breath and say "Amen!" along with me.

"If I really believed that God's healing is more powerful than any hurt the world could ever hand me, I could trust God. I could trust His plans. I could move forward by saying, 'Yet not what I will, but what You will'....

....Yet not what I will, but what you will.

I trust that in all these things, Your will is good. I can trust You even when I don't understand. I cannot fully trust You while still holding on to things that made me question You. I have to let those things go.

You so clearly promise when I am blinded by the dark realities, You will guide me. You will guide me to the spiritual help I need. But You will also guide me to the emotional and physical help I need. Help me see Your provisions and be humble enough to receive them. You will make the rough places smooth. You will do these things and will never forsake me.

You have said, "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them" (Isaiah 42:16).

You say Your Word is sharper than a double-edged sword. So I cut these ties from my soul with the precise edge of Your truth.

I was abandoned. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

I was rejected. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

I was hurt. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

I was left out. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

I was brokenhearted. That is a fact from my past, but it is not the destiny of my future.

Heartbreaking seasons can certainly grow me but were never meant to define me. I let go of the hurt and embrace the growth the minute I'm able to say, 'Yet not what I will, but what You will.'"

In the mighty name of Jesus, I pray these words. Amen and amen!!

Excerpt from Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst

Hold on to the One hold you

Maybe life is a mess
And there are more shattered pieces than can be counted
Maybe life is a dream
And there are more blessings than can be numbered

Whatever you face -
Tears that flow unending
Smiles that make your cheeks ache
In the highs
In the lows

Whatever you face
Hold on to the Truth
Hold on to the One who loves you
Because He's holding your life
He's holding you

Calling

Today I'm reflecting on calling. My primary calling is related to my identity in Jesus Christ. Am I rightly related to the Lord? Is every interaction I have something that pleases Him? The evil one spends so much time accusing God's precious children...do I spend my time connected with His righteousness and His character enough that the accuser has nothing to say about me? My calling is first about being, not doing. It's about who I am in Christ, not what I am doing for Christ. I serve an Audience of One. The outpouring of ministry comes from the inpouring of Holy Spirit. I am called to seek His face continually and in every interaction I have and to obey Him in everything (Psalm 115:1; 1 Cor. 10:31; 2 Cor. 2:14-15).

As calling relates to a specific vocation, let me offer a picture that helps me. Not long ago, I was sitting on the shore of Long Lake in Eagle River, WI and I peered down into the water. I could see the bottom! It was so clear and clean! I thought of other lakes and rivers that I've been to where you can't see the bottom even where the water is just a few inches deep. You might see muck or seaweed but who knows what's really down there. But Long Lake is so clear - you know exactly what is in the lake and what your feet are touching when you wade out there. People are like that. Some lives you peer into and all you see are murky waters. You might catch of glimpse of something from time to time if the water settles at all but at the slightest touch the murky-ness is back. There is so much junk in their life or they are trying so hard to hide themselves in the stuff of life. 

Then there are people like Long Lake - you see right through them, right to the heart of who they are. You don't have to wonder what they are made of because you can see if for yourself. They are refreshing to be around and you can't help but want to drink in what they are about. I want to be that kind of person - a Long Lake person. I long to be transparent. For others to see my life and know exactly what I am about and what God is doing in me. I long for realness and vulnerability. At times in life, a speed boat rushes by and waves roll in. The waters are disrupted but guess what? If you are a Long Lake person, you could still see through the waters. Of course, you could take a stick and stir up the sand at the bottom and some murky-ness would occur. We all have junk in our lives. But God is in the business of redeeming our junk and wants to use us to minister to others. Broken people reaching broken people...(Matt. 28:18-20; Micah 6:8).

And that is my heartbeat for other women and kids...to pour into their lives out of what God has done and is doing in me. Because of Christ's love for me, I am compelled by love for others - to come alongside them, point them to Truth in Scripture, to encourage them (1 Thess 5:11), and pray for them. My heart beats wildly when I see someone "get it" - when the light of spiritual truth goes on - or when I am involved, directly or indirectly, in equipping them for life and ministry (2 Tim 2:2). Perhaps it could all be boiled down to discipleship, equipping, and encouragement. I long to invest in the lives of women and kids - to dive deep into life on life ministry.

Where will this passion take me? To a college campus? To the mission field? To a church or camp? To something else yet to be discovered? Perhaps all of these. I don't know. But I do know the One who holds my future and I trust Him to guide my steps (Prov. 3:5-6 & 16:9).

Look Closely And See

A land with deep scars - some visible...some not.
A people with deep hurts - some visible...some not.
A land of beauty and pain.
A people of hope and love.

The landscape is dotted with broken homes
A glimpse of the broken lives within

A boy searches through the town dump
Desperately seeking a "treasure"
Anything that will buy him a chunk of bread
Or a few tortillas

A young girl, with big brown eyes
Grinding corn to make tortillas
A family's only source of income
Never enough

Hope. Peace. Love. Contentement.
Flowing from the people
Even in the midst of great poverty
Even when devastation ravaged their country
Even when a few tortillas and a can of beans is all they have to eat

Look closely and see
The "woman" on the corner is just a girl
Forced to sell her body to hungry men
So her family can eat
Her dark brown eyes will haunt your days and your nights

Look closely and see
Hollow eyes filled with desperation and longing
A longing to be free
A longing to know she's loved for more than her body
Desperate to know that the chains that bind her
Can be broken

Don't close your eyes
Don't just walk on by

How can she call on the one she hasn't believed in?
How can she believe if she hasn't heard?
How will she hear without someone preaching to her?
Who will be sent to preach?
How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!

At times, often times, comfort must be forsaken
The known left behind
To walk with someone in their hurt
In their mess
To hold a hand
Meet a need
To share love, His love

Slow down
Open your eyes
Be moved
LOVE

Cutting edge

How will you maintain a cutting edge in your life?

God created me with a destiny in mind. In choosing to fulfill the destiny He has for me, it is essential that I take time to be sharpened, by God and by others (Prov. 27:17). Three areas came to mind where I need to be sharpened by God: I need daily time with Jesus, to study His Word, not just to prepare a study or to teach a class but for personal meditation & growth. Cultivating a prayer life that consumes me must be a top priority. And Scripture memorization must be a regular part of my life – hiding God’s Word in my heart that I might not sin against God (Psalm 119:11).

It’s also important to be sharpened by others. Again, three ideas came to mind as I prayed about this. First, I believe it’s important to maintain a mentoring relationship that allows for genuine accountability. I need to be held accountable in the areas listed above, in my leadership, and in life. It’s vital to find people who will challenge me and spur me on. A second sharpening I see is in reading books/listening to cds related to my calling. This opens the door for learning from others who are on a similar journey. And a third area of sharpening is through determining my God-given priorities/goals each year and then reviewing them on a monthly/quarterly basis. Those who hold me accountable should know these priorities as well. Throughout the year, these priorities should be the basis of my commitments and I must be willing to say “no” to even the good things that come my way, in order to receive that best things that God has in store for me.

The outpouring of ministry comes from the inpouring of Holy Spirit. So I must make spending time in His presence a priority. When I don’t, I get tired, worn down, and open to all sorts of influences. I must set my heart and mind on things above! (Colossians 3:1-2)

Where is the love?

Grief hits the heart

Strangles the soul

Stealing away joy

Destroying peace

Diminishing hope

Where is the love?

Hugs, touch, a stroke 

Holding hands

Rubbing the back

Tangible works of love

Longed for

Hoped for

Will they come again?

Tears

Tears flow unchecked

From large brown eyes

Heavy with pain

Clouded with sorrow

That never seems to lift

Until the door opens

Then tears are wiped away

A smile pasted on

Hiding the depths of hurt

Confusion and despair 

All is well

Life is good

Until the door closes

Chorus of Grace

I was...but now...

This is the chorus of grace. 

I was a dirty mess but now I'm clean in Him.

I was a jerk but now I'm kind because of Him. 

I was selfish but now I'm focused on others. 

I was a liar but now His Truth is on my lips. 

What is the rhythm of your story? Praise Jesus for every note.

Letters and Cards

I am thankful for random people who have sent mail to my girl child. She's having a blast with reading the cards and hanging them up in her room. So far she's gotten mail from 15 states plus a postcard from Oslo, Norway!! It's so fun to see her delight. 

Find joy, not flaws

Today's thankful was inspired by a blog post I came across through Facebook a few days ago. 

I am thankful for the writings of others who have found joy in the journey. To be able to find the blessings and to give thanks when life is crumbling around you is how I want to live. I am thankful for people who are willing to share their mess, their struggles, their life lessons to encourage others to take their eyes off of their current chaos and put them on Jesus. Our Rock. Our Strength. 

Here's what I wrote on Facebook after seeing this inspiring blog post...

I've really come to appreciate the writings of Matt Ham. I too was 32 when diagnosed with malignant melanoma and it really does a number on your perspective. But the good news is that you don't have to get cancer to decide to look at your blessings, to be thankful and to find joy even just in the small things. I'd encourage you to check out this post....

"My greatest hope for you is that it doesn’t take a cancer diagnosis to change your perspective. I want you to know that you can choose this perspective if you will.

When you imagine your time here as finite it causes you to consider:

Am I going to give thanks, or am I going to complain?

Am I going to look for ways to rejoice, or am I going to look for the flaws?

My encouragement for you this year is praise. Relentless, unabated praise. The kind of praise that fills your eyes with tears and your hearts with joy. The kind of praise that removes your biases and sings as if no one were watching."

http://mattham.com/2014/11/the-last-thanksgiving/

For His Name's Sake

Sorrow. Trials. Tribulations. 

Tears. Pain. Heartache. 

Open wounds make us vulnerable. 

"I am here" - He has promised.

Strength for today. Hope for tomorrow. 

Peace. Joy. Comfort. 

Power in His name.

He will carry us through it all.

Never leaving. Never forsaking. 

Coming to the other side

Stronger in faith, empowered to share

What Christ has done

Who Jesus is. 

Blank page

     

(Photo staged on my den floor in hopes that it wouldn't look too cheesy)

I am thankful for the blank page.
The clean slate.
The empty canvas.
It's a fresh start.
A new place to begin.

A reminder that what has been done in the past does not have to define me.
That what is to come in the future is still up for design.
And that today is when I make the choice.

Will I choose to fill the page with complaining and bitterness and whining?
Or will I create a work of beauty with words of truth and praise?

And when I mess up, I can simply turn to the next blank page.
And start over.

Dancing with eternity

Lately I've been thinking a lot about eternity. How there's more than just this life. That what we do now affects our eternity. Once upon a time, a mentor posed the question to me, "How are you dancing with eternity?" And I wrote some reflections on how eternity is and should be affecting how I live my life. Although I wrote this a couple years ago, I thought it was worth sharing now because even though I'm not wrestling so much with my salvation, I daily wrestle with the lies of the devil trying to bring me down and convince me that I'm less than who Jesus says I am....

Eternity has been at the forefront of my mind for awhile now as I have been diving into a Bible study on this very topic. I figured this assignment from my mentor would be a breeze. But that was before I really started thinking about it. The more I’ve jumped into this study on eternity, the greater my struggle has become. I have questioned my salvation, wondering if I will be shocked on the Judgment Day. I have cried out to God, asking, “Where are You?” and feeling utterly alone. And so I have danced with eternity, one day thrilled at the prospect of being with Jesus, another day, feeling the terror of wondering if I am even saved. Will Jesus look on me with sadness and disappointment on the Judgment Day or will He throw wide His arms and proclaim, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”?

The spirits of deceit, discouragement, and pride fill my head with lies saying, “You aren’t worthy,” “You screwed up too big this time,” “You can’t ask for help, people will look down on you.” NO! These are lies from the pit of hell. I am a child of God. I am forgiven and loved. I was chosen in Christ before the foundation of the world to be holy and without blame in His sight (Eph. 1:4). I have been redeemed and forgiven and I am a recipient of His lavish grace (Col. 1:14). I am God’s workmanship – His handiwork, His masterpiece – born anew in Christ to do His work (Eph. 2:10). I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God in Christ, and I have been given the Holy Spirit as a pledge guaranteeing my inheritance to come (2 Cor. 1:21-22; Eph. 1:13-14). I am blameless and free from accusation (Col. 1:22). I have been saved and set apart according to God’s doing (2 Tim. 1:9; Titus 3:5). Just like Peter, I am not in need of a bath because I am clean in Christ, but there are parts of me that need to be washed, to be renewed and made clean by the blood of Christ (John 13:1-17). I am born of God so the evil one cannot touch me (1 John 5:18). 

And so I’ve been praying for freedom, persistently praying in the name of Jesus that the power of deceit, discouragement, and pride would be broken and banished from my life. And in the void that remains, my prayer is that the Holy Spirit will fill me with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23). “Thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Cor. 15:57). 

I recently watched Lord of the Rings 3 – The Return of the King and I cried for about the last 20 minutes, much to the dismay of the friend I was with. :-) After all the struggle and pain and fear that Frodo had experienced, he couldn’t go on, the burden was too much and he collapsed. Sam picked him up, saying, “I can’t carry your burden, but I can carry you.” The tears flowed as I asked the Lord to carry me because I can’t do this on my own. When the ring went in the fire and the tower with the eye began to fall, I wept as I asked God to knock down the towers and strongholds in my life, to free me from those bonds, and to not let satan have the victory in my life. And as Frodo wrote the last of his story and prepared to board the ship, I wondered if my season of effectiveness was over. But even as that notion entered my head, I begged God to not give up on me, to not let me go but to empower me to press on in victory. 

So when it comes to living in light of eternity, I could talk about not being idle but being purposeful in my use of time. I could stress the need to be conscious of word, deed, thought, and intention because we will be judged in each of those areas. I could talk about living with passion and joy, less complaining and more encouraging, less worry and more prayer. But those are mere words unless I first make it my highest priority to know Christ and to lay aside anything that distracts me from that goal and from accomplishing the call of God on my life. Because my hope is in Christ, I can let go of past guilt and eagerly anticipate what God is creating me to be. When I realize that I am forgiven, I can move forward in faith and obedience. I can trust God to work in me, to grow me from what I am to what I should be. Let me close with the words of Paul in Philippians 3:7-16 which so vividly describe where I am seeking to live: 

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I am gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ – the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained.”

Escape

Do you ever look at how someone is spending their time and you wonder what they are thinking? You want to shake them and ask, "What are you trying to escape?" or "What are you trying to prove?" There are things in this world (alchohol, drugs, sex, work, TV, etc.) that people spend a lot of time, energy & money on in an apparent attempt to escape from something.

"It's just what you do with this crowd."
"I want to fit in."
"What's the point of life?"

None of these follies will satisfy. They just flow down the gaping hole that each of us has that only One can fill. The rest is just a waste of time, money & energy.

Proverbs 19:3, "A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD."

And yet, I have no right to judge others. Rather I ought to pray. And I really should look at my own life, activities and actions and ask myself, "Are there things I am trying to escape?"

World Cancer Day

Today is World Cancer Day. You might already know this if you saw this commercial during the Super Bowl. I teared up when I saw it. Somehow it seems appropriate since today is also one year since I was told that I had cancer. February 4, 2013 was a strange day....the somber phone call from a nurse asking me to come in to their office immediately....going in alone because I had no clue what they were about to tell me....laughing with the nurses because I was having a good day....not understanding why they asked if I was okay because they thought I was "handling the news awfully well".....being sent to the hospital for additional tests.....feeling like a ton of bricks dropped on me when the news finally sank in that I would owe thousands of dollars after all the surgeries were done....sobbing in my friend Katie's arms because all I could think about was the additional debt I would be accruing....not fully grasping what I would face in the days to follow. It was a strange, surreal day. But one I don't think I'll ever forget.

 

Three months after I was told that I was CANCER FREE, I wrote a post on my blog about the array of emotions that can swallow you when you face trouble….shock….fear….anger….powerlessness….loneliness. But there was one emotion that I was surprised by, one that didn’t come until later….compassion. It’s a compassion that overwhelms me, that sometimes takes my breath away, that brings me to tears at the most random times….like now, as I write this.

 

Compassion for those facing their own troubles, whether it’s cancer or something else, no matter how big or small that trouble may seem.

Compassion for those who face pain on a daily basis.

Compassion for those who go to one doctor appointment after another.

Compassion for those who struggle to smile and just want someone to hold their hand.

 

Just last night, I was messaging with someone who has been going to lots of appointments, has lived with daily pain for far too long and who has dealt that frustration of not getting the answers they need or getting conflicting answers and still has a surgery to face next week…and while our conversation revolved around other things, I was in tears for this person as I thought of all they had faced in their journey to total healing.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 reads, "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ."

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. In fact, most days, I have more questions than answers. So today, I count my blessings and I thank God for the healing He has brought to my body. I want to rejoice and jump up and down. I want to celebrate! But at the same time, I want to curl up and cry. So I allow myself to feel the sadness too. The weight that comes with compassion. Whatever trouble you may be facing, friend, know that you are not alone. I know that some days seem like it’s just too much and you can’t take one more thing. You may feel like no one understands and you face this giant alone. You may want to curl up and cry and that’s okay too. But know this, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is a God who is right there with you, who collects your tears, every single one.

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” ~Psalm 56:8

And He often brings people into our lives to journey with us in the mess. To sit beside us and hold our hand when words just don’t come. To offer hugs when you need “Jesus with skin on”. To listen to you vent about your day. To pray for you and over you. To just be there.

 

So on this “World Cancer Day” – my question is this….who can you be there for? What trouble have you faced that now gives you compassion for others? How can you be “Jesus with skin on” to someone who is hurting? Just a thought….

More than enough

You are holy. You are Sovereign. You are good. You love me. You are more than enough for me. My El Shaddai. Jehovah Jireh. I set my eyes on you, trusting in You, believing You will work according to Your good purposes. When I falter, when I look to the right or to the left, set my eyes on You. My trust must be in You and You alone because You are my sufficiency. I believe You are good. I believe You love me. Help me to walk in that, head held high, confident in my relationship with You. Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank You Holy Spirit.

God, I release to you my dreams and my relationships. I trust in You. I believe that You are good and Your plans for me are good. I know that Your ways are higher than my ways. I know that Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I choose to put my faith in You. Even when I do not understand. Even when I can’t see a mile down the road. God, I will trust You to show me the next step.

You are beautiful, Lord. All that You do is beautiful. You alone are God. You alone are good. I am Your beloved child and I am in awe of Your grace. Forgive me when I don't act as a child of You. Love me. Pour over me Your grace. Fill me with Your Spirit. Create in me a clean heart and set Your Spirit upon me. Don't hide Your face because it is You that I seek. I love to see You, to know You more. Be exalted, O Lord, in my life. Be glorified in all that I am, in all that I think, say and do. I sit in Your presence and wait upon You….

Holy interruptions. Lord, invade my life with holy interruptions. I don’t want to get so caught up in my plans that I miss what You are saying, what You are doing in my life. Saturate me with Your presence. Drench me in the river of You. Leave no area untouched. I want to live interruptibly (is that even a word?). Please don't let me get so set in my ways and my plans that I miss out on You. I do not want to be selfish. Don't let me get in the way of what You are doing. Be the center of my life. Be the center of all my relationships. All that I do, all that I am, should revolve around You. Don't let me long for something that is not of You. I long to be consumed by You. I long for Your holy fire to burn in me. Burn away all my impurity. Refine me, Lord, in the fire of trials. I am Yours. Take my life and use it for Your purposes.

You are more than enough. My El Shaddai. Jehovah Jireh, I put my trust in You.

(500 words)

Identity - how God sees me

My goal for 2014 is to grow in love for God and love for people. Both have just been impressed deep on my heart that these are areas where I really need to grow more. When you love God more, the natural outflow is that you're going to love people more. This goal is taking me on a journey of learning more about God. The more I learn about Him, the more I love Him. Then I’m learning about how He sees me. If I don’t have a proper perspective on how He sees me, it’s going to affect how I view Him.

 

Today I'm participating in the Proverbs 31 blog hop so I'm writing about identity and how God sees me. It’s really important to see ourselves as He sees us. We have to learn to walk in the Truth. It’s so easy to get caught up in the lies that the devil wants to feed us. Lies about who we are. Lies about how God must see us as a result of our past and our sins. Lies, lies, lies. How often do we mediate on these lies, rather than Truth? Meditate on something long enough and you’re bound to begin to believe those meditations. And how often do we soak in the lies that the devil is shouting at us and miss out on the whispers of Love from our Abba Father?

 

So I began to make a list of ways that God sees me. What is Truth? When I read through the Scriptures, how does God describe me? That list could go on and on. I could write individual posts on each one of these things and still not exhaust all that God has to say about me. For now, I’m just writing a list of a few truths that especially stand out to me and that I want to soak in, to meditate on….

 

I AM GOD’S….

….child (John 1:12)

….workmanship (Ephesians 2:10)

….friend (James 2:23 / John 15:14-15)

….temple (1 Corinthians 3:16/ 1 Corinthians 6:16)

….vessel (2 Timothy 2:2)

….witness (Acts 1:8)

….beloved (Romans 1:7/ 2 Thessalonians 2:13)

 

I AM….

….a light in the darkness (Matthew 5:14)

….a candle in a dark place (Matthew 5:15)

….a city set on a hill (Matthew 5:14)

….the salt of the earth (Matthew 5:13)

….greatly loved by God (Romans 1:7; Ephesians 2:4; 1 Thessalonians 1:4)

….justified and redeemed. (Romans 3:24)

….more than a conqueror through Him who loves me (Romans 8:37)

….a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)

….redeemed from the curse of sin, sickness, and poverty (Deuteronomy 28:15-68; Galatians 3:13)

….chosen, holy, and blameless before God. (Ephesians 1:4)

….accepted (Ephesians 1:6)

….redeemed and forgiven by the grace of Christ. (Ephesians 1:7)

….God’s workmanship, created in Christ unto good works (Ephesians 2:10)

….delivered from the power of darkness and translated into God’s kingdom (Colossians 1:13)

....redeemed and forgiven (Colossians 1:14)

….complete in Jesus Christ (Colossians 2:10)

….chosen of God, holy and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12)

….loved eternally 1 Peter 1:5 / 1 John 3:3

….healed by the stripes of Jesus (Isaiah 53:5; 1 Peter 2:24)

365 days

365 days ago, I went in for a biopsy on a mole on my leg. A slightly painful start to my birthday but I didn’t think too much of it.

359 days ago, I got an urgent call from my doctor’s office to come in right away. And then I heard those three words that brought a stop to my world….“you have cancer.” Malignant Melanoma which I promptly nicknamed M&M and even ate some M&M’s.

358 days ago, I went in for surgery on my arm and leg, including a skin graft for my leg. My two verses of the day were Philippians 4:7 – “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” And “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You.” ~Isaiah 26:3

356 days ago, my brother & sister-in-law came to visit me which came as a shock and yet brought me great pleasure. I don’t get to see my brother very often and it was an amazing gift that he would take two days off school to be with me and help with my recovery.

349 days ago, I got the news that I was cancer free. It was a long 9 days waiting for this news! It was Valentine’s Day when the doctor told me the positive test results.

335 days ago, I was I was overwhelmed with pain and ready to give up. But I was also reminded that I was not alone. I was not treading that path by myself. I know He carried me.

334 days ago, I was reminded again by a friend that I was not alone. “You, child, are sheltered in the secret place of the Most High, and you abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  Stay close to Me.  Drop your burdens.  Drop them.  Give them all to Me.  Stay in My presence, and you shall overcome.”

333 days ago, I was telling myself that falling apart is okay because every day I felt like I was falling apart. Even though the test results were positive, the pain remained. The healing was taking oh so long.

332 days ago, I was learning a new lesson – to SLOW DOWN. Enjoy life at a slower pace. Trying to listen to Him. Letting go of fear. Resisting the lies of the enemy. Soaking in His truth. Praising God for His healing mercy. 

331 days ago, I had another surgery, this time on my back. I was so upset about yet another procedure which would leave me in even more pain. The verses I held on to were from Ephesians 6:10-18.

329 days ago, I found myself asking a lot of questions that began with “Why?” Why is the healing taking so long? Why is trusting God such a tough thing to do? Why can’t I sleep? And so many more questions flooded my mind. The key verse for me that day was Proverbs 3:5-6.

319 days ago, a poster I made the year before became something of a lifeline for me as I continued to process fear and questions and work through the pain….

STOP.... ....beating yourself up ....putting yourself down ....dwelling on the negative ....dwelling on your insecurities ....anticipating the worst Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6

START.... ....trusting in God's love ....accepting love from others ....believing in His total forgiveness ....trusting in God's goodness ....accepting gifts from Father God The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid? ... Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. ~Psalm 27:1, 14

310 days ago was my final surgery – on my head. While I was nervous, I was also relieved to know that there was finally an end in sight!

261 days ago, I hit a milestone….with a heavy heart. It had been 13 weeks since I heard the news that I was CANCER FREE!  It was a milestone for me and yet it was a bittersweet moment as I considered so many that I know who are still in the midst of their fight with cancer.  Or those whose fight is now done and they've gone on before us.  If you know someone in the midst of their fight with cancer, wrap your arms around them and say, "I love you."  Just be there with them.  One of the best gifts I received was simply the presence of people.  Even if I didn't want to talk, just to have another person in the room was an incredible gift.  Each person's fight with cancer looks different but one thing is always true. Cancer sucks. So I marked that milestone with a heavy heart for those still fighting and for those who have lost someone to cancer. 

249 days ago, this verse was so important to me…."In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God." ~Romans 8:26-27

248 days ago, I was clinging to Psalm 119, "Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path."

195 days ago, I was embracing the adventure of life as I stepped out and began to feel “normal” again. Sometimes I do seek out the adventure.  Mostly though, I'm trying to figure out the adventure that we call life in Christ.  When you say yes to Jesus, your life becomes an adventure in Him.  He may lead you on paths that you never anticipated.  He may allow situations in your life that you never thought you could live through.  But those adventures lived in Him are not lived alone.  You don't face those things in your own strength.  Rather, we have a Savior who loves us and who gives us what we need to face the adventures He puts before us.  My adventure has more questions than answers.  A lot of jumbled thoughts and crazy ideas.  And too often words spoken without thinking.  But each day, I learn more.  Each week, I grow up just a little bit.

177 days ago, I was celebrating a 6 month milestone. Six months since the first surgery. Six months since life came to a screeching halt. God brought healing to my leg. He strengthened me and kept me focused on recovering the right way. He taught and is teaching me so much every day. I'm in awe of His grace and I need it more each day. I'm humbled by His mercy and overwhelmed by His love. Every day feels like another gift, another chance to become more like Jesus. And even though I fail Him time after time, He keeps loving me and drawing me back to Himself.

149 days ago, I got to participate in a 4 mile walk and my leg didn’t hurt!!


146 days ago, I was reminded that religion is spelled D-O. It's about rules and tasks and adding up all the good things you can DO in your short life. But it'll never be enough and it's just plain tiring. Christianity is spelled D-O-N-E. Jesus did it all. He paid it all on the cross. He did what we can't. He paid the price. For me. For you. And he wants us to trust Him. This world is not our home and we're only here a short time.... 

140 days ago, I was so tired. Tired of the demands of life. Tired of feeling overwhelmed. Tired of the silence. Tired of the endless noise. Just tired. Tired but clinging to hope. Choosing to rest in my Jesus. Knowing that He is in control. Knowing that He loves me. Rest. That word was balm to my weary soul.

134 days ago, my little brother’s third daughter was born and I am a proud aunt to Elsa Joy.

130 days ago, I was living in the white space and yet learning to choose joy and faith. Choosing to dig even deeper into the word that is the lamp for my feet and the light for my path. Believing that He is going to guiding me. Trusting Him to give me His wisdom, in His perfect time.

122 days ago, I just wanted more of God. More of His love. More of His grace. More.


119 days ago, I was breaking the mold and shocking police officers because I don’t fit their expectation of someone who helps recover stolen heavy equipment. And I was challenged to consider what labels I apply to others that probably aren’t fair to them.

And on and on and on I could go. 365 days of memories. 365 days of life lessons. 365 days of tears, laughter, pain and healing. 365 days of God’s grace. 365 days of God’s unending faithfulness.

What will the next 365 days hold for me?

For you?


(1,550 words)

Heartfelt

Pen to paper.

Writing out the prayers in my heart.

A mix of song, Scripture and heartfelt cries.

Setting my eyes on Jesus and opening my heart to Him.

You are Sovereign, Provider, my Sufficiency, my Rock and my Salvation. You are King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, Mighty God, Alpha & Omega, Lover of my soul. You are my Shepherd and my God. You are my Guide.

You lead me in paths of righteousness. I am Your beloved. I rest in Your love. Wrap Your arms around me. Flood my soul with Your love. God, I love You and I long for more of You. You are so gracious to me. YOu have overwhelmed me with Your love, grace and mercy. Send Your glory, Lord, send it on down. Draw Your child to Yourself. Fill me, use me, mold me into Your likeness. I want to be like You. Hear my voice when I call Lord. Hear my prayer and be merciful to me. I am Yours.

The joy of the Lord is my strength The joy of the Lord is my strength. The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH. Holy Spirit, fill me. Saturate me. Overwhelm my heart. I can't be content with where I am at. I can't stay the same. I must draw closer to You. I must become more and more like You. I cry out for Your hand of mercy to heal me. I am weak and I need Your love to free me. O Lord, You are my Rock, my strength in weakness. Come rescue me O Lord. You are my hope. You are the only one I need. You are God and I will rest in You.

I want to love You. I want to love You. Let me know the way You love me. I love You. I love You. I am loved by You. I am loved by You. I am Your beloved. Your creation. And you love me as I am. You care for me. My every need You know. The breath I breathe, You have given me. My next heartbeat, You hold in Your hand. I am nothing without You. I desire only You. My heart longs for You. My eyes are set on You. I sit here in Your presence and rest in Your unchanging grace.

Show me Your heart. Show me Your ways. Show me You. One thing I ask of You, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon Your beauty and to see You in Your temple. I set my heart to seek Your face. The joy of the Lord is my strength. Why would I want anything less than You? There's nothing in this life to compare with Your love. Your love is better than life. Lord, You are worthy of all my praise.

Hear my prayer, Lord Jesus. El Shaddai.

(502 words)