Saturday, November 08, 2014

On the road

Depression. Anxiety. Fear. Anger. Sadness. Tears. Seemingly endless tears. 

These words accompany me every day. I've tried for months to shake them. My husband suggested I talk to someone. My dermatologist suggested I take medicine. My family doctor says both. 

I guess I need help. 
I've tried it on my own. 
It's not working. 

So why am I confessing this on the world wide web? Why am I airing my secret on a public blog? Because secrets aren't healthy. And stuffing all this inside for so long is part of why I'm now a mess. 

Depression is an odd thing. I'm sure it hits each person differently. For me, it crept in slowly. 

One untruth at a time. 
No. One lie at a time. 
Because let's face it, it's lies that are causing the depression and anxiety and fear and....

But that doesn't help. While I know they are lies and I know the truth, I can't seem to make the connection from my head to my heart. So I go on embracing the lies. Lies like I've disappointed God and He's done with me. Lies like I'll never be the wife that my husband needs. Or that I'm going to mess up the kids that God has entrusted to me. That I'm not worthy of my husband. He's so good to me. He keeps loving me even in my mess. His patience with me is helping me get through this. And he keeps reminding me that he's in this with me. And I'm so grateful. 

I feel weak. Helpless. And losing hope for change. 

But still I want to try. I'm not ready to give up. I don't know why God seems so silent and so stinkin far away. But something came to mind recently....perhaps that's exactly how the devil wants me to feel. Alone. 

Fighting a battle I can't win. 
Drowning in negative emotions. 
Crying myself to sleep. 

Wanting to be okay. 
Trying to keep the smile on my face. 
But knowing that inside I'm barely keeping it together. 

But not anymore. 
I don't want to hide anymore. 
So I'm blogging my secret.
It's time to bring it to light. 

Wednesday I cried to my pastor's wife and she hugged me. Have I mentioned that I LOVE hugs? Yesterday I started taking an anti depressant. Doc says it'll take a few weeks before I see the effects. And Monday I will meet with a Christian counselor at our church. I'm taking steps to get help, to bring my fears into the light. 

To anyone else who may be feeling similar things, let me say this....YOU ARE NOT ALONE. No matter how you feel, the truth is that you aren't alone. Talk to someone. Don't try to do this alone. We are meant for community. We are meant to bear each other's burdens. And while that may seem uncomfortable, it's also helpful and necessary. It's so easy for me to bear someone else's burden, to encourage and support them. But when it came to be my turn to let someone else help me, well that was....that is a lot harder. I wanted to think I was strong enough to handle this. Since I know the truth, I figured I should be able to work through this on my own. Well that's bogus. We are meant for community. So talk to someone. Let's walk this journey together. Let's bring this into the light. We are not alone. 

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