Monday, September 15, 2008

In that same old rut

Do you ever find yourself stuck in a rut, doing something that you don't want to do or being someone you don't want to be, but continuously falling into that pattern? And you believe that God has created you to be different but you fall back into old patterns so quickly.

I'm sure I've written about this before but it's really bugging me right now. I've been noticing that when I go to church, it's almost like I adopt a new personality - one that is shy, withdrawn, sticks to the background and doesn't say much. I'm not comfortable with this person. Let me be more specific because it was really noticeable to me this weekend. I got to church and sat by some people - some I knew, others I didn't. The guy next to me thought we'd met before and he did seem a little familiar but we didn't know why. After the service we got to talking and figured out where we had met before - he had come to Great Oaks just a few days ago to do the ropes course and I was one of the facilitators for his group. It seemed like such a small world that we'd end up sitting by each other at church. He introduced me to one of his friends and we all chatted for awhile. It was comfortable and easy to talk to them. I felt like I was being the me that I'm comfortable being.

Fast forward about an hour. I'm sitting at a restaurant with four other people. Two I've known for a few months, two were new to me. And there I go being quiet and shy again. Except for twice when I got engaged in conversations with the two new people. Ugh! Why do I hold back? Why do I get shy around church people? I'm fine at camp. I talk to all sorts of people that come through here. I do fine when I'm at court appointments or at the mentoring class I'm taking. Why not at church? Am I worried about impressing people? Do I fear looking silly by saying the wrong thing? That's ridiculous. My identity is secure in Christ. I should not be concerned with what man thinks of me. I'm fed up with it and I want to be done with it.

Last night at church, I was still thinking through this when I arrived for pre-service prayer meeting. This is where the young adult group leaders get together to pray before the evening service starts. After we pray individually for the upcoming service, we come together to pray as a group and share what God is saying to us. I spoke up and shared my thoughts - a first for me. When we were done, I turned around and there was a girl sitting by herself so I walked up, introduced myself and got to talking with her. I prayed over her and gave her my phone number in case she wants to go to coffee or just talk to someone. After the service, I walked up to a group of people and just started chatting with them. It was great!

I'm tired of this rut. I want to get over caring what people think and just be me. I'm a little weird. I sometimes speak without thinking - more often than I should! I like to be goofy. I like to laugh over silly things - like "cute" cows. I have strong opinions about certain things and other things I couldn't care less. I am a beautiful daughter of the King and His opinion is the only one that matters! My identity rests secure in Him.

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