Wednesday, March 09, 2011

I just want to be like Jesus

I fear wasting my life. I fear that one day I’ll wake up and be 40 or 50 or 60 and wonder what I did with my life.

Did it matter?
Did any of it really matter?

I wonder if I’m doing what God wants. I wonder if I can change.
Have I reached my potential?
Is this all I can be?
If I long for more, how do I get there?
Can I change?
Can I stop being lazy and selfish?

It only takes one decision at a time and yet sometimes even that overwhelms me. “Do the next thing.” I heard that on the radio once and then last night a wise friend told me the same thing. It’s about one step at a time, once choice at a time. Each one is hard, each one requires strength that only comes from Jesus….and yet too often I rely on me and my feeble strength.

“I want a life that explodes with meaning.”

Do I really want meaning or do I want importance?

This is my life right now. Questions without answers. Conflicting emotions. Joy and peace. Impatience and confusion. Often there are tears brimming just below the surface. Tears of longing. Tears of joy. Tears of confusion and desperation. Trying not to choke on the emotion that threatens to overwhelm me.

I long for wisdom from the Lord and the wisdom of those around me.  (anyone? anyone? :-) )

Am I living the life God intended for me? I put a smile on my face and I am bubbly and happy because I have so much joy from the Lord, but there's also an underlying feeling of being lost and a desperate longing for more of Jesus.  I want to be like Him!  I want to encounter Jesus and be transformed by that encounter.  I want to love like Him and have the same attitude as He did. 

I don't know what the future holds.  I'm not sure what God' will is for my future.  But I know His will for today....that I seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.  So I choose thankfulness rather than complaining.  I choose to love rather than criticize.  In all things, I choose to be like Jesus. 

I can’t help but believe that God has more for me than what I'm currently living. How do I get there? One day at a time. One step at a time. I long to be real, to be known, to be loved. Is it safe to be me? Will anyone accept me just as I am (especially if they knew the craziness within)? Can anyone see past the facade to the confused and hurting girl inside? Can anyone see me?

Whew! I need a hug after all this vulnerability. :-)

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