SPAM-O-GRAM

By W. Bruce Cameron
I am pleased to announce that I have recently received an offer via e-mail to transfer $25,589,000 directly into my bank account—I'm rich!

I have no idea why I, among the millions and millions of e-mail users, was singled out for such lavish treatment, but I assure you, I will not be selfish—once I have the money, I plan to share it, generously spending it on highly visible luxury automobiles and enormous yachts so everyone can see my wealth and enjoy it.

Lest you doubt the veracity of this deal, allow me to quote verbatim from the e-mail in question:
Dear Sir: I am most unfortunate to thinking you may not suspect me as real for we do not now know or been introduced, but allow me to say I am Song Lou. I work for Heng Suck Banq, Ltd, and have the proposition for you of transferring $25.589 million USD directly to your bank account which will be of mutual benefit to you once we have established cordial cooperation and modality. Please GET BACK TO ME ASAP....Song Lou

Here's how I know this is legitimate: (a) the dollar amount is very specific—I'd be suspicious of a rounded off figure; (b) he works for a Suck Bank—I'm a customer of a Service Sucks Bank, which is probably a subsidiary; and (c) he needs me to GET BACK TO him ASAP—legitimate business people are always in a big hurry. I responded to his e-mail the day I got it:

Dear Mr. Lou: So delightfully I am partaking of your recent e-mail! I would most cooperatively accept your transfer of $25.589 million because that's exactly how much I need! With much insomnia I beg for your response....W. Bruce Cameron

He wrote right back!

Dear W: My associates are speaking most excitedly on this matter. We are requiring only of some informational proceedings for rapid facilitation of transfer. Please to forward bank account name, number, routing, and phone for reaching....Song Lou

Great! I decided I just needed a little bit more informational proceeding myself and I'd be good to go.

Dear Song: Most unctuous and florid greetings upon your eyebrows. My concerning is for how the transfer is working. Would you please snorkel your immediate describings of the next notes in the opera? Yours in lasagna....W.

Dear W: Some puzzlement has befuddled us during your last communications. However, we are confident with you as our partner in business for $25.589 million and can lay the goodness of an additional $10 million USD. However URGENT for response with banking informational details preceedingly requested. Yours truly....Song Lou

Dear Song Sung Lou: Blessings upon you and your puppies. I have spoken with high regard to all my appliances of your keen business skills and shavings. Though much of my lust is bestirred by the $10 million, I am requisite of a total of $50 million and am inquiring of any possibility you and your associates may emerge from their medications with this additional transfer. Also, through the subscriptions of their loins my parents have blessed me with a sister through all perplexity, and she, too, would be willing for a limited time only to accept a $50-million transfer.

Dear W.: Though our history suggests you can be trusted with our worthiness, many among us are suspect of you unseriously misdirecting our associations. Please be aware of our availability to the $50 million only if you can be convincing of your honesty! We have no wasting time! Yes, your sister please also bank information with 24 hours for transferring or we will be withdrawn to other matters. Yours truly....Song

Dear Song: All of my follicles are emerging from the dark winter of their trousers and turning their taste buds to your luscious wrists! Most joyously do I face the soup of your embalming of my sister. My beamings are upon all of the Suck companies, with wishes for continued integrity at every turn of the pipe. Yours most impeded....Bruce

They never wrote back, but I'm sure the transfer is coming soon!