Sunday, August 31, 2008

Why the silence?

Where do I start? This blog has gone unpublished but not ignored. Over the past month, I frequently sat at my computer, staring at this screen and trying desperately to put into words what is happening in life and in my head. Somehow I always ended up giving up and moving on to other tasks. As the summer wrapped up, I began processing my experience and doing a lot of thinking. What was I learning? What was God doing? How could I praise God for His work? What was next? Where do I go from here? All these questions and more have been swirling through my head in the past month. And in that month, I've traveled to Indiana and Alabama to visit family. I dropped in to Wheaton to see friends. I've joined my church, signed up to be baptized, hit a lot of golf balls, shot a gun, facilitated on the high ropes course, cleaned my desk and met new friends. August has passed in a flurry of activity with a good amount of refreshment and sleep interspersed with that activity.

Most Sunday nights this month, you would find me at Confession, the young adult group at Riverside. August is devoted to prayer and I was blessed to have over an hour each week to just be in the presence of the Lord. Through these times, God has begun to work with me on some deep hurts and deep fears in my life. As I struggle to understand and accept what God is working in my life, I also struggle to put into words how I feel and what I'm thinking. Hence, the blog silence. This post is, in no way, signifying that I've got it figured out. Rather, I'm starting to grasp the importance of expressing your thoughts even if they are jumbled and you are the only one to understand.

A hurt sprang up in my life just over a year ago and dug its claws down deep in my life. Other hurts followed accompanied by fear and issues with trusting people. I stand here a year later, a different person and ready to let go. I don't want to be saddled with hurt. I don't want to be shouldered with ridiculous fears. And I certainly don't want to have trouble trusting people. I'm only beginning what I imagine will be a long journey of healing, growth, learning and trusting. And it's going to involve pain and perhaps some tears, but I am being refined. Stripped of the dirt and grime that inhabits my soul. Refined to become more like Christ. I am being refined which is a joy and a pain. Mostly pain right now. But joy will come as I continuously look to Christ for my strength. And as I learn to trust Him even when it hurts.

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